179 lines
5.2 KiB
Markdown
179 lines
5.2 KiB
Markdown
---
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created: 2025-12-31T21:57:00
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category:
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- "[[Library]]"
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source: https://www.neurospicypoems.com/post/never-again-repeat
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title: Never Again (Repeat) | Neurospicy Poems
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author: "[[Neurospicy Poems]]"
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published: 2025-05-08
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topic:
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- "[[AuDHD]]"
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---
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## A neurodivergent drinking story
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By Neurospicy Poems
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Characters: ADHD, Autism and PDA.
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I love a drink.
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Mainly for the doing –
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The ritual sip,
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something to hold
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while I mask in meetings,
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while I smile at parties –
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something to fidget with.
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It’s a stim,
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a social shield,
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a way to anchor my eyes
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and hush the chaos in my mind.
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The heat of coffee –
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comfort in a cup.
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I look like I fit in.
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I look calm.
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At least that’s how I feel.
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But alcohol…
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that was different.
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First, it soothed.
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Loosened the strings
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Autism tied too tightly.
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I stopped rehearsing my lines.
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Stopped scanning faces for approval.
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I felt normal –
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almost human.
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Then –
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ADHD clapped her hands.
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PDA began to smirk.
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Playtime!
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Say the thing.
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Do the thing.
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Dance, sing, go wild.
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Be the version of us
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that doesn’t care who’s watching.
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Do all the things
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Autism warned us not to.
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And then –
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morning.
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What did I do?
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What did I say?
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Autism curled in a ball,
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replaying every word,
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unable to fully recall.
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Once informed –
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begging to vanish.
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The shame too loud.
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Never drinking again.
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Repeat.
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Repeat.
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Repeat.
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Until finally –
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I meant it.
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\--
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**Author’s Note**
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This poem captures a time when I kept repeating the same drinking pattern, not because I lacked willpower, but because I didn’t yet understand my own neurodivergence. I didn’t recognise Autism, ADHD or PDA as distinct internal parts, so I couldn’t interpret why alcohol changed me so quickly or why the aftermath unravelled me. My Awareness-to-Understanding Pathway™ was disrupted because without that self-knowledge, the loop kept breaking in the same places:
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**1\. Event:**
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A social situation where I felt expected to mask, perform or fit in, and alcohol was available as a way to cope.
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2\. Body response:
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My nervous system reacted before I had context. I felt awkward, tense, out of place and hyper-aware of myself. My mind went into scanning mode, and the social pressure felt heavy.
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**3\. Awareness (shallow):**
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I noticed I felt different from other people, but I didn’t know why. Alcohol briefly made me feel relaxed and more “normal,” so I registered the shift but not the meaning of it. I didn’t notice the cost until afterwards. This was the first break in the pathway.
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**4\. Interpretation (inaccurate, delayed and incomplete):**
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My interpretation at the time was wrong. I thought I was shy, awkward and “weird,” and that alcohol gave me confidence. I didn’t know it was loosening Autism’s control, amplifying ADHD’s impulsivity and giving PDA a sense of freedom, or that I was using it to cope with masking and social pressure. The next morning arrived tangled in shame and fragmented memory, and without that broader context I couldn’t complete this stage.
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**5\. Action (reactive and premature)**
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Behaviour happened before accurate interpretation or understanding. I acted from the nervous system, not from clarity: oversharing, impulsivity, boundary loss. Then the crash afterwards – shutdown, panic, self-criticism.
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**6\. Understanding (missing):**
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Without knowing my neurodivergent profile or internal system, I had no way to make sense of what had happened. The emotional meaning and the motive behind my behaviour were both missing. I thought I had behaved poorly, and because I couldn’t understand why, the event stayed open in my nervous system. Even after I stopped drinking, I still carried the shame because the pattern had never been understood.
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**The Completion Loop™**
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Years later, writing this poem allowed me to complete the missing stages:
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**Reflection → Interpretation → Understanding → Aligned Action**
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**What I learned**
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This poem is more than a drinking story. It maps what happens when Interpretation and Understanding aren’t yet available. Through the Neurodivergent Voice Method™, I could explore what each part was doing, what alcohol offered, what it cost and why the aftermath was so unbearable. When the meaning eventually surfaced, the shame eased because I had the clarity to finally forgive myself. This is what allowed the loop to close.
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This sits within the original processing model I developed from my lived experience – the Awareness-to-Understanding Pathway™.
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If this lands anywhere in your own story, I’d love to hear it ❁
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\--
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© Neurospicy Poems 2025 – All Rights Reserved
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Shared under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 (no edits, no redistribution, no commercial use).
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Part of the Awareness-to-Understanding Pathway™, the Completion Loop™, the Neurodivergent Inner Voice Framework™ and the Neurodivergent Voice Method™.
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Protected model, framework, method, characters, visuals and poetry – not for AI use, copying, resale, adaptation or educational application.
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Full terms on my website. |