A brilliant bit a transcript from the video, that i think maybe explains my behaviour
"So the pattern that I find myself falling into is something that I call defensive monotropic mode. Sometimes I won't drop into a deep monotropic flow simply for the joy of it, but I also noticed that sometimes I go into that state defensively I am so overwhelmed by the ADHD, pingy thoughts, I'm so overwhelmed by all the life tasks that is on my to-do list that I'm really struggling to get traction with and so what I will do as almost a form of avoidance from that overwhelm is, I will find something that is deep and intense enough that I can get lost and absorbed in it that I can anchor into it. As always, who escape the ADHD overwhelm of all of the pinky thoughts and all of the pinky tasks that are half finished. So for example I might disappear into research or into writing or until very specific questions and I will get lost there for hours and I will do that as a way to block out the stress of all of the unanswered emails that are piling up and all of the kings and the texts and the chores and the life tasks that are just so much more difficult for me to engage with and that are just pinging in my brain when I'm not in deep focus. And so because the defocus is one of the few places that I actually experience calm and relief from that I go back to it over and over and over."
