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@@ -18,4 +18,25 @@ My wife is also very close to her mum and sister (her mum especially). Her attac
Since her mum moved to hornsea, my wife has wanted to move there. I have resisted, because, whilst it a nice place, there's not much there. It's a quiet seaside town, the nearest city, Hull, is 45 minutes drive away. and I felt that if we did move there I would end up living in a place because, effectively, Erin sister loved it there. Of all the places i would like to live, hornsea wouldn't even be a consideration for me.
But, the kids do love hornsea. They've been spending a lot of there school holidays there for as long as they can remember, and recently my eldest, Jessica,--who is having a tough time at school with friends--said that she wanted to move to hornsea. Now this completely changed things for me, where we live isn't just about what i want, it comes down to what we all want, now I willing to consider it, and I said as much to my wife. Jessica said this while we staying at Hornsea for Christmas, the one just gone, and i remember saying to my wife "so are we moving to Hornsea now?".
But, the kids do love hornsea. They've been spending a lot of there school holidays there for as long as they can remember, and recently my eldest, Jessica,--who is having a tough time at school with friends--said that she wanted to move to hornsea. Now this completely changed things for me, where we live isn't just about what i want, it comes down to what we all want, now I willing to consider it, and I said as much to my wife. Jessica said this while we staying at Hornsea for Christmas, the one just gone, and i remember saying to my wife "so are we moving to Hornsea now..".
My wife has jumped on this and started to apply for jobs in the area soon after Christmas, and the thing is, I never actually agreed to it. Other than the comment I made, we haven't discussed it further until recently when she got offered a job close to hornsea--the job is in Hull, but can be mostly done remotely. Now I'm a little annoyed by this point because I don't feel like she's actually considered me in this. To give some context to my situation right now.
Around 18 months ago I was late diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive) (at the age of 43). The diagnosis took around 18 months from when i first approached my GP to receiving the official diagnosis. But in the short period preceding that first consultation with my GP, once I'd learnt what ADHD was, I knew that I had it, it just explained my whole life. I think it's fairly typical for those late diagnosed to go through a period of morning, of what life could have been like had I been diagnosed at school. I was a bright kid, IQ tests suggest in the mid 130s range, but my time education didn't go too well, I vastly underperformed, and now I know why.
Another aspect to me, I've done numerous different jobs over the years. I've always had this feeling that I needed to knuckle down and specialise in something, but what that something is I've never been able to figure, every since school, I've always been looking for that career that i cold do a deep dive in, but I never figured that out. Until I figured out that I had ADHD, that was a huge piece of the puzzle. Through this, for the first time in my life, I knew that I wanted to be a doctor. So far as I could see it had everything that I was looking for; complexity, pressure (I need pressure to perform at my best), and it something that matter to me, actually making a difference to the lived experience of others is a huge deal. I felt/feel like it something that I would be really good at. So that what I set off pursuing.
I'm currently doing an Access to Health Care diploma for medicine (via distance learning), once this is complete I can apply for medicine at my local university, Keele. I was well aware of the the time scales involved to get to where i wanted to be, and that I would be knocking on 60 by the time I made consultant, but I think I needed to prove to myself that I am capable and in the process actually contribute rather than bouncing from job to job. To clarify, I've been self employed for 20 years. I ran a small engineering company with a business partner, and i also had other money making projects going on on the side over the years.
I recognised that I would go off on hyperfocus journey into subjects and so I thought I would try and monetised these where I could. Mining crypto currencies is one, learning to code is another. I built an online Amazon business reselling video games, where my software automated the process--buying from eBay and selling via amazon FBA. By the end of the software development the business was making £50k profit a year (projected to go to £70k the next). And all I had to do at that point was just around two days a week of admin to keep it ticking over. But I lost interest in it and couldn't do it anymore. Crazy right, easy work for very good money, but I just couldn't do it once it became boring. Some other shiny thing would catch my attention.
Up until my diagnosis, this feature of myself frustrated me. If only I could just knuckle down and do it, my life would be better, we'd have more money, etc. etc. But now, knowing I have ADHD, I understood the why. And I understood roughly what I needed to change to get the best out of myself, namely my environment. And that's where becoming a doctor came in, it has everything that I need to perform, and when I perform I can do some really impressive stuff. I just have to get past the 5 years of medical school, I knew that would be a challenge. I figured the work would be challenging enough to keep me interested, and the areas where it wasn't, well I would be able to lean on ADHD medication for that.
I started studying and preparing for medical school around the time of my diagnosis, I still had to go through titration for ADHD medication, but to my mind by adding the missing dopamine back in the medication would fix everything and I would be able to operate like a neurotypical i.e. do the important stuff, even if it's not interesting. Titration has been slow, it's only recently at around 18 months after my diagnosis that we've finally settled on the right medication and dose. And I've released that it doesn't suddenly make me neurotypical. In fact, I think it can make my tunnel vision on a single thing even worse. It's a tool, not a silver bullet.
Now, I'm questioning my path into medicine. Over the time I've been learning more and more as I plan path, and whilst I was willing to accept the long time scales involved, the intermediate years are going to be tough. I figured I would need to continue to work during studies, but this would be manageable. But as time gone one and I've learned more about the process, I don't think it's doing to be feasible. Firstly, as I've previously studied at university I cannot access a student loan, and I will need to cover the course fees myself (10k a year for 5 years). This is somewhat manageable as (while it is a full time course) for the first two years of the course is studying at the university and directed study. However, years 3-5 is full time placements, with study on top. This is not sustainable for myself, I would need to be on placement 40 hours a week, add study time on top, earn money for the family financial pot, and spend some time with my two young children. I can do medicine, but something would have to give, and that would have to be time with my family, and I can't exchange these years with my young children for medicine. My dad worked away for the whole time when I was a kid, we only saw him at weekends, and even then he always seemed to be in a bad mood. I vowed I'd never repeat that, and if I do study medicine I would be repeating that. Plus, we'd have no spare money. I want to give my kids some memorable childhood experiences, that I'm part of too. Can't do that if I'm skint and not around.
Also, the place where I want to be, consultant, is a long way off. I'm 44 now, i've got 20-30 years of career ahead of me, is it wise to spend 15 years of that studying? even once I'm a resident doctor, would the work be complex enough, research seems to suggest it'll be mostly medical themed admin.
If you'd ever asked me if I had any life regrets, my answer would've always been no. Don't know why that is, but I guess that means I've been lucky. However, I do now regret not figuring this ADHD thing out in my mid 30s. Had this process happened 10 years ago, my situation would've been perfect back then. It was in my mid 30s that I finally felt like life actually started to click for me. Like I got better, more confident, there was a change I felt, it was just easier being me in the world, I was less anxious. Little things like small talk became easier, I just felt like I'd figured 'people' out. The human brain reaches full development around the age of 25, but I since learnt that this is delayed by around 10 years for those with ADHD, I think this may shed light on my experience. Either way, my mid 30s, I was ready for this, the engineering business was up and running, I had the time and money. That time would've been perfect. It was listening to a guest on the Jeremy Vine show talking about ADHD and the inattentive side of it and how it goes undiagnosed, that peaked my interest and got me on this path of self discovery. I just needed that spark, that tread to pull on, 10 years ago. That's all it would've taken and I'm sure I would've reached the same conclusion when finally answered the same unanswered question I been asking myself since school--what do I want to do for a job, I should be doctor!