5.2 KiB
created, category, source, title, author, published, topic
| created | category | source | title | author | published | topic | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2025-12-31T21:57:00 |
|
https://www.neurospicypoems.com/post/never-again-repeat | Never Again (Repeat) | Neurospicy Poems | Neurospicy Poems | 2025-05-08 |
|
A neurodivergent drinking story
By Neurospicy Poems
Characters: ADHD, Autism and PDA.
I love a drink.
Mainly for the doing –
The ritual sip,
something to hold
while I mask in meetings,
while I smile at parties –
something to fidget with.
It’s a stim,
a social shield,
a way to anchor my eyes
and hush the chaos in my mind.
The heat of coffee –
comfort in a cup.
I look like I fit in.
I look calm.
At least that’s how I feel.
But alcohol…
that was different.
First, it soothed.
Loosened the strings
Autism tied too tightly.
I stopped rehearsing my lines.
Stopped scanning faces for approval.
I felt normal –
almost human.
Then –
ADHD clapped her hands.
PDA began to smirk.
Playtime!
Say the thing.
Do the thing.
Dance, sing, go wild.
Be the version of us
that doesn’t care who’s watching.
Do all the things
Autism warned us not to.
And then –
morning.
What did I do?
What did I say?
Autism curled in a ball,
replaying every word,
unable to fully recall.
Once informed –
begging to vanish.
The shame too loud.
Never drinking again.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Until finally –
I meant it.
--
Author’s Note
This poem captures a time when I kept repeating the same drinking pattern, not because I lacked willpower, but because I didn’t yet understand my own neurodivergence. I didn’t recognise Autism, ADHD or PDA as distinct internal parts, so I couldn’t interpret why alcohol changed me so quickly or why the aftermath unravelled me. My Awareness-to-Understanding Pathway™ was disrupted because without that self-knowledge, the loop kept breaking in the same places:
1. Event:
A social situation where I felt expected to mask, perform or fit in, and alcohol was available as a way to cope.
2. Body response:
My nervous system reacted before I had context. I felt awkward, tense, out of place and hyper-aware of myself. My mind went into scanning mode, and the social pressure felt heavy.
3. Awareness (shallow):
I noticed I felt different from other people, but I didn’t know why. Alcohol briefly made me feel relaxed and more “normal,” so I registered the shift but not the meaning of it. I didn’t notice the cost until afterwards. This was the first break in the pathway.
4. Interpretation (inaccurate, delayed and incomplete):
My interpretation at the time was wrong. I thought I was shy, awkward and “weird,” and that alcohol gave me confidence. I didn’t know it was loosening Autism’s control, amplifying ADHD’s impulsivity and giving PDA a sense of freedom, or that I was using it to cope with masking and social pressure. The next morning arrived tangled in shame and fragmented memory, and without that broader context I couldn’t complete this stage.
5. Action (reactive and premature)
Behaviour happened before accurate interpretation or understanding. I acted from the nervous system, not from clarity: oversharing, impulsivity, boundary loss. Then the crash afterwards – shutdown, panic, self-criticism.
6. Understanding (missing):
Without knowing my neurodivergent profile or internal system, I had no way to make sense of what had happened. The emotional meaning and the motive behind my behaviour were both missing. I thought I had behaved poorly, and because I couldn’t understand why, the event stayed open in my nervous system. Even after I stopped drinking, I still carried the shame because the pattern had never been understood.
The Completion Loop™
Years later, writing this poem allowed me to complete the missing stages:
Reflection → Interpretation → Understanding → Aligned Action
What I learned
This poem is more than a drinking story. It maps what happens when Interpretation and Understanding aren’t yet available. Through the Neurodivergent Voice Method™, I could explore what each part was doing, what alcohol offered, what it cost and why the aftermath was so unbearable. When the meaning eventually surfaced, the shame eased because I had the clarity to finally forgive myself. This is what allowed the loop to close.
This sits within the original processing model I developed from my lived experience – the Awareness-to-Understanding Pathway™.
If this lands anywhere in your own story, I’d love to hear it ❁
--
© Neurospicy Poems 2025 – All Rights Reserved
Shared under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 (no edits, no redistribution, no commercial use).
Part of the Awareness-to-Understanding Pathway™, the Completion Loop™, the Neurodivergent Inner Voice Framework™ and the Neurodivergent Voice Method™.
Protected model, framework, method, characters, visuals and poetry – not for AI use, copying, resale, adaptation or educational application.
Full terms on my website.