vault backup: 2026-03-18 07:12:22

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_Inbox/2026-03-18 0701 openclaw agent context, adhd, medicine, where next.md

@@ -0,0 +1,36 @@
+---
+category:
+  - "[[Journal]]"
+type:
+  - "[[Log]]"
+  - "[[Reflection]]"
+topic:
+title: openclaw agent context, adhd, medicine, where next
+created: 2026-03-18T07:01:53
+date: 2026-03-18
+tags:
+---
+this is a message to blink to give him some context. i thought it also needs saving here too.
+
+a while ago, shortly after my adhd diagnosis (jan 2025), i wanted a change in career. The diagnosis had left me with a sense of mourning for what could have been, had i been diagnosed while i was at school. Getting a diagnosis at the age of 44, suddenly a lot in my life made sense, but also things could have been very different had i'd known how to handle myself much earlier. 
+
+i heard the description of someone with adhd has an interest based nervous system (as oppose to a neurotypicals importance based nervous system). This was a key bit of learning for me at 44, all the things that i've excelled at have all been things that i'm interested in, if i'm not interested, it doesn't matter how important it is, my brain won't engage with it. I'd been fighting this truth my whole life without realising it, thinking i just needed to try harder at that important thing "everyone else can do it, there's no reason why i can't, i just need to learn/try harder" is what i'd tell myself. But now i know why i can't engage with 'boring' things, it's not that it's impossible for me, it's that that boring and/or tedious task will require much more effort more me to stay focused on that it would for a neurotypical. 
+
+So where does this leave me, well i need acknowledge how I'm different to most and play to my strengths. I looked at my job, as an engineer i loved the problem solving side of it, but the admin (report writing) was my  nemesis, it also lacked something, i didn't care, it was only the problem solving that engaged me. So i decided I wanted to become a doctor, the role has a lot of features that play to my strengths, i need a high level of intellectual engagement, i love learning, problem solving, and the end product is helping people, being a doctor there's an actual person  that you are hopefully making their lived experience better... is there anything more motivating than that, i don't think so.
+
+So that was my plan, i'm going to get into medical school and become a doctor. I needed to do an 'access to HE diploma', which i'm currently working on (which you may have seen referenced in your memory files). Getting into medical school is tough, you have to demonstrate that you are suitable for the role of a doctor, quite rightly so. Part of demonstrating that, it need to show that i have knowledge of what the role of a doctor means. Hence, the volunteering is part of demonstrating that.
+
+However, i don't know now if pursuing that career will be feasible and this stage in my life there are too many obstacles to get past.
+1. i've done a degree before, so i can't access a student loan during studies, i also have to cover the tuition fee each year (~£10k).
+2. the course is 5 years, not only do i need to financially support myself and my family during that time, i also need to dedicate more than 40+ hours a week to studies (and more during the placement focused years 3-5).
+3. I have young children (ages 7 and 9), not only would studying medicine take a lot of my time away from them at these formative years, it would also mean that, as a family, we would also have a huge financial strain as my income would be greatly reduced.
+4. my local medical school is Keele university, keele accept  the distance learning diploma that i'm doing. However, we maybe moving to Hornsea (Yorkshire) and York-Hull university do not accept distance learning diplomas.
+5. my aim is to get to consultant level, the formative training before that and that role is my happy place. The intellectual engagement is what i need to keep my adhd happy and stay engaged. But getting there is a long road. That road i about 10-12 years long, of learning but a lot of pure admin really. There is an initial learning curve, but medical school and foundation training, is mainly admin. Proving yourself though admin.
+
+So yeah, now I'm not so sure this is the right path. I could do it, but there are some huge sacrifices for myself and my family, and where i want to be is at least 10-12 years away. If i'd had my diagnosis earlier i would've figured all this out much earlier and i probably would've done medical school in my 30s, that would've been perfect. But at 44, not only are the costs too high, but the pay off is too far away (and getting further if we move to hornsea).
+
+So, where am i now.... I don't think I'm going ahead with medical school, it's not going to work. I do want to pursue a career change, but it still need to figure that bit out. 
+
+Diploma, i want to finish this, as i'm genuinely interested in the subject (i love learning curves!). I also may need to do another qualification when i figure out what i'm going to do for a career--it won't look good on any future application if i don't complete it. 
+
+lol, thought i needed to give you some context and it turned in to a huge message.